[To start the sketch, Dominic Toretto (from The Fast and The Furious) enters a bar carrying a white suitcase, walks by three people that are playing a game, and heads over to J. J. McClure and Victor Prinzim (both from The Cannonball Run) at a table in a dark corner.]
Dominic: I've been told that you're the guys to see about entering a race.
J. J.: Not just any race.
Victor: (chuckling) No race has higher stakes than this.
Dominic: I want... in.
J. J.: You'd better pay if you want to play.
[Dominic opens the suitcase to show the other men tons of money inside, causing them to nod in agreement.]
J. J.: I haven't met this man yet, but I think he can handle this race.
Dominic: I don't scare easy.
[The other men only laugh at this comment, and the we snap to the starting line of the race with lots of cheering people. The race includes competitors from various medias, including a Big Foot monster truck, Batman and Robin, the Mario brothers (Wario included) on their go-karts, the Ghostbusters, Michael Knight from Knight Rider, The Dukes of Hazzard, Speed Racer, the police officers from ChiPs, stuntman Evel Knievel, and M.A.S.K.. After a scene of Batman testing out some buttons on the Batmobile (causing it to bounce upwards and side-to-side), Chim-Chim and Spritle walk to the Mach-5's trunk.]
Spritle: Let's stall away in the Mach-5, for it goes so very fast, and we always greatly assist Speed whenever he runs into trouble, which he always does. Mmm-hmm!
[They open the trunk, only to find a dead hooker cramped in it, so they close the door, eyes wide with shock and fear. Just over a second later, the starting woman raises her flag. As she does, the racers glare at their opponents with a sneer. Finally, the woman waves her flag (which starts the race), and the racers run over her to death; then a safe falls from the sky and squishes her. After that, we cut to the racers flying down a street to gain speed. Various shots fly by as this happens, including one of Batman, one of Speed Racer, a speeding speedometer, the taco from the very first episode, one of the Big Foot truck's tires, a gearshift in the M.A.S.K. car, Dominic's face, Chimm-Chimm as he scratches his behind, and the Mario brothers driving between the other racers to beat them. After all of that, we cut to Michael in his car.]
Michael: Better use the turbo boost.
KITT: Wait, Michael, I can only use my turbo boost once per episode.
Michael: Well, I'm using it!
[Michael presses the turbo boost button, flies off of the road, and crashes into a bridge (which blows up the car and kills him right away) with a tunnel below that; the we snap to Speed Racer, who remains still as he drives.]
Speed Racer: (mentally) It's important that I do not move because if I were to move, it would add to the cost, so if I stay perfectly still, then I'll be preferable to moving because animation costs money. Uh-huh!
[Meanwhile, two of the cops from CHiPs (Jon Baker and Ponch Poncherello) speed by Batman and Robin, and then slow down on purpose, forcing Batman to hit the brakes to avoid a collsion.]
Robin: Gosh-golly-gee-willicker-zippity-jippity-doo, Batman! Those policemen are pretty rude!
Batman: Robin, law-enforcement officers are the backbone of our society. (the policemen moon the superheroes, causing Batman to shake his head) Motherf***ers.
[In another area, Bo and Luke Duke fly over a hill in the General Lee.]
[They land, but Bo's hand accidentally falls on Luke's right leg, causing them to look at each other awkwardly, and then through the windows. Meanwhile, the Trakker family (Matt and his son Scott from M.A.S.K.) has Jayce in the Armed Force (from Wheeled Warriors) catching up behind them.]
Scott: (complaining) Dad, that guy is gaining! We're never gonna win the race! I have to use the bathroom! Will you buy me a soda? My friend Jimmy's dad bought him a new skateboard; I want a new skateboard! (groans) This race is stupid!
[Matt, fed up, tosses Scott out through the top window, causing Jayce behind him to drive out of the way, avoid hitting him, and fall down the edge of a cliff. Afterwards, the Armed Force explodes off-screen and tosses Jayce back in the shot; then he inexplicably catches fire. Meanwhile, Sheriff Rosco Coltrane places a fake detour sign near the road.]
Rosco: (snickers) This should fool them duke boys!
[As he snickers again, the dukes see the sign.]
Luke: There's a detour, Bo.
[They follow the sign down a trail and yell, "Yahoo!" again, but they are cut short when they drive off of a cliff and their car explodes, killing them instantly.]
Rosco: (frightened in regret) Oh- oh, my god! (cut back to Batman and Robin)
Robin: I don't believe in cheating, Batman. I believe in doing what's right.
Batman: If you don't want a Bat Bitch Slap, you'll launch the Batnet and take down those cops.
Robin: (presses a few buttons) Oops! (accidentally launches a grappling hook that latches onto Ponch's face, making him scream)
Batman: Retract the line! Retract the line!
Robin: No, no, don't retract! Don't retract!
[Not listening, Batman, pulls back the line, making Ponch's head land on Robin's lap.]
Robin: (screams in panic) Get it off of me! It's in my lap! It touched me! (screams again) Pull over!
[Ponch's severed head, along with Robin's babbling, makes Batman accidentally swerve too hard and crash. Robin's body falls out into the road as the Batmobile flips; then the Big Foot truck runs over both Robin and the Batmobile, which explodes, making Robin's now-dead body roll away a few feet. Finally, whatever remains of the Batmobile lands on Robin. In repsonse, Rosco puts his hat on his heart and shakes his head in grief. His basset hound Flash also howls in sadness. After this, we snap to the now-headless Ponch driving next to Jon.]
Jon: We're almost to the finish line, partner! (sees what has happened to him) Oh...
[Back in the M.A.S.K. car, Matt sees Jon behind him, so he tosses T-Bob to robot out through the window to hit Jon, making him fly off of his bike. Matt laughs as this happens, and the next shot is of Mario and Luigi.]
Luigi: Mario, we're-a losing!
Mario: It's-a time to use-a the Blue Tortoise Shell, no?
Luigi: Do it, you magnificent stereotypical bastard!
[A blue Koopa Shell pops out of Mario's go-kart; then an image of Wario slides in on the bottom right.]
Wario: The Blue Tortoise Shell is Mario Kart Race's ultimate weapon! It magically finds the lead car in the race to take it out. Wha-ha-ha-ha!
[As Wario chuckles, the shell hits Matt's car, making him fly out into a forest. His car crashes and breaks into pieces, a tree collapses onto him, and his body hits another tree and explodes. His head rolls to a stop in front of a rabbit hole, where a rabbit pops up, looks around, sniffs, and takes it underground. Meanwhile, the headless body of Ponch, the Big Foot truck, Knight Rider (mysteriously having survived), Speed Racer, and the Mario Brothers all cross the finish line. At the victory party, Fonzie pops open a corked bottle, but the cork hits Evel in the head. We then snap to Dominic walking up to Ponch.]
Dominic: You're more man than me, headless Ponch.
[An ambulance drives up, and J. J. and Victor climb out with a gift basket.]
J. J.: Headless Ponch!
Victor: Headless Ponch!
J. J.: As the winner, you receive this gift basket from Omaha Steaks...
Victor: Awesome! Wonderful! (crowd cheers)
J. J.: ...and a fifty dollar gift certificate from Best Buy!
Victor: Best Buy! Woof!
[They hand the gift basket to Ponch, but the body simply falls backward and drops it. While everyone looks on and groans in disgust, Dominic steals the gift basket We then snap to the rolling credits as several bloopers from the making of this sketch play next to them.]
J. J.: I'm in awe of Headless Ponch. He's very attractive. (next blooper) Headless Pouch!
Victor: Headless Pouch! Punch, Punch, Ponch! Go!
J. J.: Headless state! (they laugh)
Victor: Stimulate just farted in a very musical tone. (babbles loudly)
J. J.: Shut up! (slaps Victor, making him bark, and cut to next blooper) I love being an American. I like everything about.... (shocks himself) being Burt! Being Burt, being Burt, being Burt! Gosh, it's good!
[In the next blooper, Victor burps, causing J.J. to glare at him.]
Victor: I want to show you something that I'm very proud of, and it's going to scare the living s**t out of you! (J. J. laughs) You will have to step back just a few feet. (last blooper) Print! (blows a raspberry) Lunch.
[The episode concludes.]