(All the characters arrives at Camp Crystal Lake.)
Shaggy: Like Dude, what are we doing here?
Velma: (reading a book) Camp Crystal Lake, supposedly haunted by a machete wielding spook named Jason Vorhees.
Scooby: Rorhees? (SFX: canned laughter)
Shaggy: Like, We should make like hockey sticks and get the puck out of here! (laughs sadly) (SFX: canned laughter)
Don Knotts: Well hello there!
(Don Knotts and Phyllis Diller are shown)
Velma: It's Don Knotts and Phyllis Diller!
Don Knotts: We're the camp counselors. Of course after this gig, I'm the one who's gonna need counseling. (chuckles)
(SFX: canned laughter and Cut back to the gang.)
Fred: I suggest we split up. Shaggy and Scooby, you check the camp ground. Velma, you check the woods. Daphne and I'll checkout the bunk house and have some of that nice sex until you get back.
(cut to Phyllis Diller)Phyllis Diller: Sex? You, with her? But with that dickie you couldn't even bag an old bag like me.(laughs)
(SFX: canned laughter and an angry Fred slaps Diller in the face)
Fred: It's an ascot you old whore! An ascot!
(SFX: canned laughter. Diller punches Fred in retaliation, knocking him off the screen)
Phyllis Diller: Well, your ass got laid out by this old whore, dickie! Hee hee. (SFX: canned laughter)
(Scooby and Shaggy enter a cabin)
Shaggy: This place gives me like the heebee-jeebees.
Scooby: Ruh huh. (SFX: canned laughter)
(Shaggy opens a cabinet and finds a box of Scooby Snacks)
Scooby: (gasps) Rooby Racks!
Shaggy: Like oh boy! Ha ha. Man, I am one sad dog food eating hippie
.(SFX: canned laughter. Shaggy opens a door and sees Jason)
Shaggy: Like sorry man, my mistake. (door closes) Zoinks! The killer! Run Scoob!
(Scooby and Shaggy run from Jason. Jason sees them hiding in barrels. He tries to stab them and misses, until he gets Shaggy, Blood gushes out from the barrel)
Shaggy: Zoinks! (grunting) (SFX: canned laughter)
Scooby: Better Shaggy than me. (SFX: canned laughter)
(Scooby runs in place. The camera zooms out, showing that Jason is holding Scooby by the tail. Zoom in on Scooby rolling his eyes from being stabbed, apparently up the ass. Cut to Fred and Daphne, in a bunk room)
Daphne: Gosh Freddie, are we really gonna go all the way?
Fred: If one more person says something about my ascot I'll- damn it's fashionable! (SFX: canned laughter)
(Daphne sighs and sits on a chair, she falls into a trap door and lands in a secret room containing an altar adorned by Pamela Voorhees' severed head)
Daphne: Far out. That must be Jason's dead mother. This explains everything.
(Fred slides down and lands right on top of Daphne)
Fred: That must be Jason's dead mother. This explains everything.
Daphne: Fred, you're an ass hole. And that ascot makes you look gay.
(Jason's arm, holding his machete, breaks through a door)
Fred: (gasps) Her first! Kill her first! (throws down Daphne)
(Fred runs away. Daphne gets up on her knees. She looks up at Jason, whimpering in fear. Jason makes a questioned gesture, then hacks at her three times. What happened to Fred and Phyllis? Cut to Velma, setting up a trap with Knotts)
Velma: The virgin always lives the longest in these horror movies, god my life sucks!
Don Knotts: You think your life sucks? One of my apartment tenants might be a flaming homo! (SFX: canned laughter) And that ain't all-- somebody killed me. (SFX: canned laughter)
(Knotts falls face down, revealing a knife impaled into his back)
(Jason walks and find a sandwich on the ground. He picks up the sandwich, which pulls a string that triggers a device which launches a shoe that lands on a seesaw, with a lit match on the other side. The match lights a candle, which burns a rope apart. Another sandwich falls behind Jason. He tries to grab the sandwich, but Velma jumps out from behind a rock and knocks him out with a baseball bat)
Velma: Now to see who Jason Vorhees really is. (gasps) Old Man Phillips? But why?
Old Man Phillips: Spanish dubloons worth hundreds of dollars are sitting at the bottom of the lake! They would've been all mine if it weren't for you meddling kids.
Velma: A-a-a bunch of coins? All my friends are dead. They're dead and I'm still a virgin! A VIRGIN!!!
Old Man Phillips : You know, we can fix that.(Velma and Phillips look at each other romantically, with pink hearts around them. Romantic music is playing. Cut to Velma and Old Man Phillips having sex)
Old Man Phillips : Your skin is so soft.
Velma: Oh brother!
(The camera shifts to Scooby's head on top of a stick. Scooby laughs in voiceover. The credits come)
Scooby: Ree hee hee hee hee hee!
Velma (moaning): Oh...wise...
Old Man Phillips: I know I'm not about pleasing a...a young child...
Velma: Give it to me, wise man! Give it to me!
Old Man Phillips: Yes, uh...oh yeah, here you go!
(Velma's moans grow louder, with Phillips joining in)
Velma: I think I've got a CLUE!
Old Man Phillips: I've got little to no sensation in the lower half of my body, yeah! (The two continue moaning) GIRLY!
Velma: What a mystery...
Old Man Phillips: That's what I'm talking about!
Velma: Oh yeah...
Old Man Phillips: GIRLY!
(The moans intensify as they climax)
Old Man Phillips: OOO, THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG ONE!
Velma: OH, MY KEYHOLE!
Old Man Phillips: AH! My back is...
(Velma lets out a soft moan)