Corey Haim: [Yawns.] Good morning! What are we going to do today, Corey Feldman?

Corey Feldman: Same thing we do every day, Corey Haim. We save the world.

[Both get dressed and put on hair gel.]

Corey Feldman: Let's go start the day!

Corey Haim: Yeah!

[Both sitting on a couch flipping through channels.]

Mel E. Kazurowski (News Anchor): This just in: President Bush's daughters are missing in action after the helicopter carrying them to a USO tour event crashed in Brazilian Rainforest. The military released the following video tape just prior to the crash.

Jenna Bush: Wooohoo! It's a party! Aaa-whoo!

Barbara Bush: My dad's the president!

Pilot: Ms. Bush, please I can't see.

Barbara Bush: Suck it!

Pilot: Look out!

Corey Feldman: Two presidental daughters! That's one for each of us.

Corey Haim: Feld-dog, let's roll.

[They exit their house in a van that goes into a jet.]

Corey Haim: Coordinates are locked in.

Corey Feldman: Let's punch it.

Corey Haim: Woo!

Corey Feldman: Yeah! Let's go, go, go, go. Whoa, this is tight! This is tight!

Corey Haim: That's what it would be like if we had the Corey Van and the Corey Jet.

[They get on a bus.]

["96 Hours Later"]

Corey Haim: Listen to me! We should have Corey Rocketpacks!

Corey Feldman: Hey Corey I've got an idea for ya. How about a nice tall glass of shut the (fuck) up!

Corey Feldman: Hey barkeep, nice frosty cola right here.

Corey Haim: Two straws please.

Barkeep: We don't serve your kind here.

Corey Feldman: Our kind? You mean Americans?!

Barkeep: No I mean anyone who's ever been on the cover of a teen magazine. Like Bop, Tiger Beat, Teen Beat, Cosmo, Grrl, J-14...

Corey Haim: Hahah, boy, didn't you pick the wrong two Coreys. He-he-hey hey guys, listen we don't want any trouble and I don't think you do either so...

Guy: To the contrary. Trouble is what you now have because we are giving it to you.

Corey Feldman: Wait! Wait hahaha just wait. Now we're going to tear it up.

Corey Haim: Yeah, Lost Boys style!

[The Coreys get beaten up by the gang but one bumps into Dustin Diamond and he takes them all out.]

Corey Feldman: Wow! Thanks for helping us douche...ah...Screech.

Dustin Diamond: The location of the Bush daughters is here and now I must return to my Muay Thai kickbox training.

Corey Feldman: Why would you help us?

Dustin Diamond: Because I too am a former teen idol? [giggles.]

Corey Feldman: Ah no, actually you were more like a second, third banana on a B-rated kids show but hey whatever you say.

[The Coreys arrive at a small shack.]

Corey Haim: What the hell is this place? Is this the place? Could this be the place? I'm going in either way so...

Partier: Love shack baby!

Corey Feldman: Yo! Presidental babes!

Corey Haim: We're here to rescue ya!

Barbara: Rescue us? You can go straight to hell!

Jenna: Yeah we're finally free!! Free to partay!

Barbara: Woo!

Jenna: Ah-ah. We're never going home! Woohoo.

Corey Haim: Look Feld-dog, if we can't bring them home, we can't be heroes.

Corey Feldman: Well Haims, looks like we gotta rely on our one true skill.

Corey Haim: Whoa wait, you're not talking about the thing we do with our taints right? Are ya?

Corey Feldman: No, Corey. Acting!

President Bush: Even though Corey Haim and Corey Feldman couldn't be here today, I want to thank them for bringing my precious daughters home.

[Shows The Coreys dressed up as The Bush Twins. Feldman as Jenna and Haim as Barbara.]

President Bush: I hereby declare that anyone who hates the Coreys, also hates America.

Corey Haim: Hey Feld-dog, Feld-dog. What happens if they find the real Bush Twins, man?

Corey Feldman: F-fat chance!

[The Bush Twins are shown in a crate inside a warehouse, full of other crates, being pushed by a guy while the Bush Twins are yelling.]

Barbara: Let us out!

Jenna: Damn you to hell, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman!

Barbara: My dad's the president. I'm gonna get you buried in oil and then I'm going to get my dad to invade you!

Jenna: Actually I will get you hurt. Yeah how'd you like to get your ass kicked by Hali-bu-burton or Haliblurton?!

Barbara: Haha haha. Gee, Jenna. We're like old apples tied up to a bag of shit!

Jenna: You suck!

Barbara: I...ah...I gotta go to the bathroom!

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