Corey Haim: [Yawns.] Good morning! What are we going to do today, Corey Feldman?
Corey Feldman: Same thing we do every day, Corey Haim. We save the world.
[Both get dressed and put on hair gel.]
Corey Feldman: Let's go start the day!
Corey Haim: Yeah!
[Both sitting on a couch flipping through channels.]
Mel E. Kazurowski (News Anchor): This just in: President Bush's daughters are missing in action after the helicopter carrying them to a USO tour event crashed in Brazilian Rainforest. The military released the following video tape just prior to the crash.
Jenna Bush: Wooohoo! It's a party! Aaa-whoo!
Barbara Bush: My dad's the president!
Pilot: Ms. Bush, please I can't see.
Barbara Bush: Suck it!
Pilot: Look out!
Corey Feldman: Two presidental daughters! That's one for each of us.
Corey Haim: Feld-dog, let's roll.
[They exit their house in a van that goes into a jet.]
Corey Haim: Coordinates are locked in.
Corey Feldman: Let's punch it.
Corey Haim: Woo!
Corey Feldman: Yeah! Let's go, go, go, go. Whoa, this is tight! This is tight!
Corey Haim: That's what it would be like if we had the Corey Van and the Corey Jet.
[They get on a bus.]
["96 Hours Later"]
Corey Haim: Listen to me! We should have Corey Rocketpacks!
Corey Feldman: Hey Corey I've got an idea for ya. How about a nice tall glass of shut the (fuck) up!
Corey Feldman: Hey barkeep, nice frosty cola right here.
Corey Haim: Two straws please.
Barkeep: We don't serve your kind here.
Corey Feldman: Our kind? You mean Americans?!
Barkeep: No I mean anyone who's ever been on the cover of a teen magazine. Like Bop, Tiger Beat, Teen Beat, Cosmo, Grrl, J-14...
Corey Haim: Hahah, boy, didn't you pick the wrong two Coreys. He-he-hey hey guys, listen we don't want any trouble and I don't think you do either so...
Guy: To the contrary. Trouble is what you now have because we are giving it to you.
Corey Feldman: Wait! Wait hahaha just wait. Now we're going to tear it up.
Corey Haim: Yeah, Lost Boys style!
[The Coreys get beaten up by the gang but one bumps into Dustin Diamond and he takes them all out.]
Corey Feldman: Wow! Thanks for helping us douche...ah...Screech.
Dustin Diamond: The location of the Bush daughters is here and now I must return to my Muay Thai kickbox training.
Corey Feldman: Why would you help us?
Dustin Diamond: Because I too am a former teen idol? [giggles.]
Corey Feldman: Ah no, actually you were more like a second, third banana on a B-rated kids show but hey whatever you say.
[The Coreys arrive at a small shack.]
Corey Haim: What the hell is this place? Is this the place? Could this be the place? I'm going in either way so...
Partier: Love shack baby!
Corey Feldman: Yo! Presidental babes!
Corey Haim: We're here to rescue ya!
Barbara: Rescue us? You can go straight to hell!
Jenna: Yeah we're finally free!! Free to partay!
Jenna: Ah-ah. We're never going home! Woohoo.
Corey Haim: Look Feld-dog, if we can't bring them home, we can't be heroes.
Corey Feldman: Well Haims, looks like we gotta rely on our one true skill.
Corey Haim: Whoa wait, you're not talking about the thing we do with our taints right? Are ya?
Corey Feldman: No, Corey. Acting!
President Bush: Even though Corey Haim and Corey Feldman couldn't be here today, I want to thank them for bringing my precious daughters home.
[Shows The Coreys dressed up as The Bush Twins. Feldman as Jenna and Haim as Barbara.]
President Bush: I hereby declare that anyone who hates the Coreys, also hates America.
Corey Haim: Hey Feld-dog, Feld-dog. What happens if they find the real Bush Twins, man?
Corey Feldman: F-fat chance!
[The Bush Twins are shown in a crate inside a warehouse, full of other crates, being pushed by a guy while the Bush Twins are yelling.]
Barbara: Let us out!
Jenna: Damn you to hell, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman!
Barbara: My dad's the president. I'm gonna get you buried in oil and then I'm going to get my dad to invade you!
Jenna: Actually I will get you hurt. Yeah how'd you like to get your ass kicked by Hali-bu-burton or Haliblurton?!
Barbara: Haha haha. Gee, Jenna. We're like old apples tied up to a bag of shit!
Jenna: You suck!
Barbara: I...ah...I gotta go to the bathroom!