(To start things off, two executives of the Jim Henson company are at a desk, worrying about their sequel to "The Dark Crystal".)
Executive 1: Oh, our Dark Crystal sequel is doomed!
Executive 2: Well, it's been in development Hell for years. Now theaters don't even want it.
Executive 1: We need a brand-new take - something that [pounds fist on desk as he says the next three words] really tricks kids into thinking they want to see a movie about puppets!
(In the next scene, which is set on Thra, Jen is wearing a rapper-style outfit and his normal one in two alternate shots; a bottle of Cristal stands next to him as he wears his normal outfit.)
Jen: Yo, what's up, everybody? This is Lil' Jen, aka MC Gelfling! [zoom up to him in a kicking pose] I'm about take you on a little journey! Raise up your glasses, y'all, and get ready for the story of the [echoing] Dark... Cris... tal!
(As he raps, the UrSkeks are seen drinking booze, when suddenly, one of them, driving a car, fires at them with a pistol, breaking off the large bottle top's part in the center and causing it to spew its contents out. The race, as in the movie, is split up into the UrRus and Skeksis, who go their separate ways -the Skeksis to the west and the UrRus to the east.)
Rapping Jen: Once upon a time, in the distant land of Thra, there was a huge-ass super-sized bottle of Cristal, living under three suns, with all the peoples having fun! They were clinking and drinking, Cristal for everyone, but then there was a drive-by. Oh, snap, hit the deck! It was the Skeksis in a Lexus with a tech! That bottle got wrecked, and split two different races to two different places. The Skeksis headed West with their creepy dead bird faces. The UrRus waited on the East Coast for all their help to come. [cut to him dancing with two girls] They were a bunch of Mystics that liked to sit around and [cut to one UrRu] hum...
(Four more, appearing one-by-one, start humming rhythmically to the song.)
Rapping Jen: Aw, yeah, that sounds good right there. In step, the prophecy, there's no stopping me! Gelfling's gonna help things, and pretty soon we'll be popping [fish-eye view of him with two Podlings] C-R-I-S [another girl, in the Skeksis' main chamber, pops the cork off of a regular-sized Cristal bottle, getting sprayed afterwards] to the T-A-L. [Jen dances with one more girl in front of a graffiti painting of a Skeksis and an UrRu] Full throttle, fix the bottle, and break that spell!
Singing Jen and Chorus: The whole world is ugly; no one's sipping on bubbly. Want to get busy, but without the fizzy, the ladies won't love me. I've gotta save the land of Thra; I am far and mystical. Gonna wreck me some Skeksis and go get that Cristal.
(Back in the graffiti alley, Aughra holds up the broken top part of the bottle.)
Rapping Jen: I went to Aughra and got that cracked up shard of Cristal. [cheers, and then the screen shows Kira in a sexy outfit] Then I met Kira and Fizzgig, who was a little fuzzy ball.
Fizzgig: What's up, y'all?
(Jen and Kira are seen riding Landstriders, and then in the Skeksis' main chamber. Then Jen leaps into the air to place the broken shard onto the bottle.)
Rapping Jen: Jumped on a Landstrider, rode to the castle, and faced off with the Skeksis. Man, those dudes are crazy assholes! [echoes again] I put the cracked shard of the bottle back into the right spot! Now the East and West Coasts are back together, and this joint is f***ing hot!
(As Jen continues, a big party is thrown in the chamber, where several guests, including the UrRus, the Skeksis, and more teenage girls, drink lots of Cristal to celebrate. One Podling also acts as a DJ. Near the graffiti drawing, Kira waves her ass at us.)
Singing Jen and Chorus: Yeah, this party's a blast, and Cristal's flowing fast. I'm thinking I want to get up in Kira's ass. We're all having a ball, so there won't be a last call. [raps as he pours some Cristal onto the ground] West and East, squash the beef! [back to singing] They're all drinking Cristal. But more people still coming, and the Mystics still humming, they go...
(The UrRus start humming rhythmically again.)
Chorus: That's the end of the Dark Cristal.
(The second to last shot is of Jen walking in a fiery landscape.)
(Back to the executives' office, they stand in front of a portrait of Jim Henson.)
Executive 1: Well, we've failed you Jim.
(The executives commit suicide by drinking out of bottles that are labeled with a skull and crossbones, indicating poison; they gag and choke afterwards.)
Executive 2: Sweet relief!
(They collapse to the floor and die, ending the episode and sketch.)