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Edward: Steve, you and your wife are wonderful hosts. I'm being sincere.
Steve: You know, Julie, I don't think you ever got a tour of the house.
Julie: You're right.
Steve: Well, come on.
[Steve and Julie go upstairs giggling]
Edward: More apple pie for us, huh?
Steve's wife: Oh, you. [Doorbell rings] Who could that be?
[She opens the door]
Fanfare: [singing] Trojan Man!
Trojan Man: [on horseback] Excuse me, madam, but I am needed upstairs!
Steve's wife: Steve!
[Trojan Man rides upstairs, with Edward and Steve's wife following. The following dialogue is unseen]
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Steve: Keep it down.
Steve's wife: I knew you acted weird around Julie, you bastard!
Trojan Man: Put this on your penis.
Steve: Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
Edward: Julie, how could you?!
Julie: My clothes just fell off.
Trojan Man: Her vagina will appreciate your forethought!
Edward: Will you shut the fuck up already?! Shut up!
Steve's wife: I am leaving you!
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Edward: Hey, watch the horse! That was my grandma's– [Crash] Oh, no, you broke it!
Trojan Man: That would never happen to a Trojan condom.
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Edward: [crying] You said my problem didn't bother you.
Julie: It doesn't. I mean, Edward, this doesn't change anything.
Edward: It changes everything!
Trojan Man: A reservoir tip is for your semen!
Julie: I got to get out of here.
[Julie leaves the house, with Edward following her]
Edward: You're a whore! You ruined my life, you whore!
[Long pause]
Trojan Man: I guess I'd better go.
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Steve: [as Trojan Man rides out] Yeah, why don't you just get the fuck outta here? How about that?
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Trojan Man: [leaving a box of condoms] Just in case.
Announcer: For when you wanna fuck! Yeah!

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