(We start with Steven Spielberg on a director's chair, sitting next to a poster of Jaws.)
Steven Spielberg: Jaws was a masterpiece of suspense and terror based on how little you saw the shark itself, but that's not the way I wanted it.
(In a spoof of Jaws' opening scene, we cut to a woman doing backstrokes in the ocean. A few seconds later, Jaws swims near her with his fin sticking up as she looks around, jumps out, does a flip, and eats her whole while she tries to swim away in fright.)
Spielberg: The damn mechanical shark didn't work. As a result I had to release a movie that was only a quarter done. Now, thanks to computer graphics, I can bring my true vision to life.
(We snap to Quint sitting in front of a black board, where Jaws wears a wig, a mustache, and sunglasses to disguise himself in the watching audience.)
Quint: It's $10,000 for me by myself. For that you'll get the head, the tail, and the whole damn thing.
Jaws: I say we let him go.
(Next, we cut to the beach, where people run in panic from Jaws, who carries a buzzing chainsaw.)
Man: [screaming] Get out of the water!
Spielberg: Jaws' special edition features over 100 altered scenes.
(The next scene is of Chief Martin Brody, who carries a harpoon, and quint on the Orca.)
Quint: There he is, Chief! Throw it! Throw it!
(Brody throws the harpoon, which Jaws then catches.)
Spielberg: You actually get a feel for the shark's personality.
Jaws: You missed me, you dried-up douche bags!
(Jaws throws the harpoon back, stabbing Brody in his right leg.)
Brody: Ow, my tibia!
(We snap to Jaws biting down and shaking Quint and Matt Hooper at the same time, making them cry out in pain.)
Quint: [tries to stab Jaws with a machete] You bastard! You bastard!
(The next part is of Brody with a rifle, which spoofs the ending scene.)
Spielberg: Trust me; this is a whole new set of Jaws.
Brody: Smile, you son of a bitch.
(Brody fires at Jaws, causing him to explode like the Death Star in Star Wars and the title: "JAWS: THE VERY, VERY EXTRA SPECIAL, SPECIAL EDITION - ORDER NOW! NO REFUNDS" to zoom in.)
Announcer: Order now! [whispers quickly] No refunds.
(As usual, we cut to static.)