(Smurf Village) Brainy Smurf: (Walking up to Baker Smurf's house) Excuse me, one side smurfing through.
Smurf #1: Smurf!
Brainy Smurf: Papa Smurf needs to see me right away! Official business.
Smurf #2: Douche!
Brainy Smurf: (Reporter Smurf takes picture of something in oven and walks away until Brainy comes in) Papa Smurf, Papa Smurf! I smurfed here as fast as I could.
Papa Smurf: Brainy, Baker Smurf has been murdered!
Brainy Smurf: B-b-but, how? (Papa Smurf opens the oven, showing Baker Smurf's murder sighting, and Brainy vomits) Bleeeeeehhhhhrrrgh!
Papa Smurf: (Holds in vomit, then lets it out) Bleeeeeee-he-HerrrGh! (Lets out a little bit more, then wipes his mouth with a napkin) Uhhgh! I was right on the verge for a while. But then seeing you do it made me...Uhhgh!
(Brainy Smurf writes down Papa Smurf's words)
Papa smurf :Someone stuffed Baker with cream filling until he was ready to burst, then smurfed him at 350 degrees. (Reporter Smurf walked up) This could not be more horrible. (Suddenly, the oven bursts with cream filling, which causes Reporter Smurf to vomit on Papa and Brainy Smurf)
Reporter Smurf: BLEEEEHHHHHRRRRGH!
Papa Smurf: I stand corrected.
Smurf #3: What's going on, Brainy?
Brainy Smurf: It is my solemn duty to inform you...that Baker Smurf has been smurfed! (Smurfs scream in horror) More importantly, Papa Smurf has placed ME in charge of the investigation. Papa Smurf is always right, and Papa Smurf knows I'm the most educated Smurf, so it's--(Smurfs boot Brainy out of village) Mother Smurfer! How do I never see that coming?
Brainy Smurf: You're the most likely suspect, Gargamel.
Gargamel: Preposterous! I wanted to turn Smurfs into gold, not kill them!
Brainy Smurf: I thought you wanted to eat the Smurfs!
Gargamel: Actually, I've never been all that clear on my motivations. At any rate, I just got back from Branson, so man, am I solid.
Brainy Smurf: If Gargamel didn't do it, who did?
Smurf #4: BRAINY! There's been another murder!
Papa Smurf: (Brainy lifts up Vanity's hair dryer with Vanity's dead body in it) JESUS SMURFING CHRIST!
Brainy Smurf: (Hyperventilating) The-the comb is in his...OOOOOOOOHHHHH! A-a-a-and the lipstick is...(Falls to the floor) UHHHHGGGGHHH! (He gets up and struggles to keep his eyes closed) I...ugh! Can't look!
(Papa Smurf's House)
Brainy Smurf: (He and Papa Smurf investigate murder files) Wait a minute! Baker Smurf was a fat ass pig in life, (Gasps) And look how he died! Vanity was a primping, preening pretty boy!
Papa Smurf: Gluttony! Vanity!
Brainy Smurf: Lazy Smurf was horrifically mutilated in his bunker lounger!
Papa Smurf: Sloth! Our killer is mimicing the Seven Deadly Sins! But what sins still remain?
Brainy Smurf: The Sin of Lust for one!
Smurf #5: PAPA! BRAINY! CHRONIC MASTRUBATOR SMURF WAS JUST FOUND WITH HIS WANG CHOPPED OFF, AND STUFFED UP HIS SMURFHOLE!
Brainy Smurf: But we still don't have any suspects!
Papa Smurf: Go get Smurfette! Maybe a little massage will help us concentrate.
Brainy Smurf: Happy ending?
Papa Smurf: Happy ending.
Brainy Smurf: (Knocks on Smurfette's door) Smurfette? Hello? (Comes inside, where it is dark) Smurfette are you here?
Jokey Smurf: (Chuckles) Brainy! HI, BRAINY! (Laughs)
Brainy Smurf: Oh, no! Jokey! Your sick sense of humor, your total disregard for Smurf safety, your Se7en movie trading card collection! YOU'RE the killer!
Jokey Smurf: I got you a present!
Brainy Smurf: What's in the box, Jokey, what's in the box?!?
Jokey Smurf: It's a surprise! (Brainy takes present, and looks inside to find Smurfette's decapitated head)
Brainy Smurf: NOOOOOOOOO! OH, SMURFETTE, NOOOOOOO! (Present explodes)
Jokey Smurf: (Laughs) SURPRISE!! (Laughs)
Brainy Smurf:... What the fuck is wrong with you?
Police Chief Smurf: (The cops arrest Jokey, who laughs hysterically) Nice work, Brainy! Now we just gotta find her body.
(Papa Smurf's House)
Papa Smurf: (Holding Smurfette's headless body with an acorn with a drawn face on her neck) Just because you're a headless corpse doesn't mean we can't have any fun, Smurfette. (Chuckles as he dances with the corpse, then the camera eases off of them, and the window shuts closed)