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{Rachael Leigh Cook is standing in a kitchen. She holds up an egg.}

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK: This is your brain...

{She holds up a saucepan.}

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK: ...and this is heroin. This is what happens to your brain on heroin.

{She places the egg on the kitchen counter and smashes it with the saucepan. She holds the saucepan up to show the dripping egg.}

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK: And this is what your body goes through... but it's not over yet!

{She sweeps the saucepan across the counter smashing several plates}

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK: This is what happens to your grades!

{Cut to the living room where she hits a cat with the saucepan, slamming it into the wall.}

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK: To your friends!

{She smashes the TV screen in.}

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK: To all your stuff! This is what happens to the profits from your grandma's bake sale!

{Her grandmother walks into the room and gets a saucepan in the face.}

{Cut to the street outside. Rachael hits a trashcan.}

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK: This is what happens to the world economy—

{She kicks a mailbox and then knocks it over with the saucepan.}

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK: —and your boyfriend gives you herpes simplex A! And you end up getting a stupid tattoo of a unicorn on your left asscheek that was supposed to be a bitchin' firebird but you were too strung out to notice at the time!

{She attacks a parked minivan, denting it, smashing the headlights and windscreen and setting of the car alarm. Cut to Rachael holding a cute puppy. She uses the saucepan to bat it over a house. Cut to Rachael surrounded by three cops.}

POLICE OFFICER: We just want to help.

{She hits the cop in the face with the saucepan. The other two jump tackle her and bring her to the ground. With superhuman strength, she throws them off.}

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK: This is what happens to family values!

{Cut to Rachael standing on a fourth storey ledge, holding onto the window frame.}

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK: This is what happens to the pollen count! Any questions?

{Three passers-by watching her tirade from the street below shake their heads 'no'.}

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK: Any questions?

{She hits herself in the face and falls off the building.}

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