Boy: I pledge allegiance to the hag of the United States of fart.

Announcer: Is this your child? He may think saying "fart" is funny. But by disrespecting America, he's encouraging TERRORISM. Even now, our enemies are searching for signs of weakness in our great land.

(Clips of terrorists, shouting unintelligibly, with subtitles. The terrorists are using some sort of listening device.):

Terrorist: DID YOU HEAR THAT? HE SAID "FART"! NOW IS THE TIME TO STRIKE! (Terrorists charge classroom, guns in hand and firing wildly)

Boy: I was just trying to be funny! (Terrorist kicks desk)

Announcer: America loves a joke, but not when the punch-line is TERRORISM.

Mother: (baking flag-cake) Ooops! I only put on 49 stars!

(Terrorists charge kitchen, firing wildly)

Announcer: TERRORISM.

Couple: (at voting booth) We just voted Democrat!

(Terrorists charge voting booth, firing wildly)

Announcer: TERRORISM.

Jew: (with menorah) Time to light the Hanukkah menorah, kids!

(Terrorists charge home, firing wildly)

Announcer: TERRORISM.

Punk #1: (at video store) Ooooh, how about The Core?

Punk #2: Ahhhh, ...could be good.

(Terrorists charge video store, firing wildly)

Announcer: TERRORISM.

George W. Bush: Thank you for watching our latest Homeland Security video. We will be replacing the color-coded terrorist alert system with one that uses rubber duckies. (Squeezes ducky) "Quack Quack." This one symbolizes "All Clear." His name is Engelbert.

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