- O'Brien: The new Fall TV season is starting and The Insider has the scoop on all the new series. P.S. to the competition: go [bleep] yourselves. (raises his middle finger) This year's Amazing Race will be more amazing than ever now that religious deities are joining the action.
- (cut to a couple in the desert with their car broken down)
- Man: Oh Jesus, please help us! Jesus!
- Jesus: I'm here. I've brought you a tire iron, my son.
- Man: Praise Jesus!
- Woman: (from afar) Mr. Christ, please help us steer this camel!
- (taxi full of men drives up)
- Guy: Oh lord Jesus, we could really go for some cab fare.
- Black Guy: (offscreen) Woo, Buddha's the way to go, jackass!
- Buddha: (drives up) Buddha's all up in your grill! (speeds away)
- O'Brien: Tired of their liberal shenanigans, Fox owner Rupert Murdoch fired Simpsons creator Matt Groening and promises same show, brand new attitude this season.
- (cut to Homer and Apu inside the Kwik-E-Mart)
- Homer: Mornin', Apu. One order of freedom fries please.
- Apu: Oh for the love of my heathen god, they're called "French fries", you fat, stupid American!
- (a group of men in uniform burst through the doors)
- Man: Department of Homeland Security, don't move!
- Apu: But... (men hits Apu with their guns and then point their guns at him )
- (cut to the Simpson family having a barbecue)
- Everybody: Happy birthday, America!
- Marge: Oh I hope Apu has learned his lesson.
- (cut to a naked Apu with Lynndie England holding a chain around his neck)
- Apu: I am so sorry I ever dared to question the wisdom and strength of the United States of America.
- England: Damn straight. Yee-haw!
- O'Brien: Uh-oh, J-Lo's new bow is a no-go on the phone-o, but take it from P.O., her new line of Day-Glo Faygo will make fans say ho. And now, we enter day three of our Kirsten Dunst headache watch. Kiki's representatives insist the megastar's just fine, but eyewitness accounts say otherwise.
- Woman: I saw Kirsten Dunst in the duty-free store buying Tylenol...a lot of it.
- O'Brien: Even medical experts agree.
- Expert: Well, a headache can be indicative of a failed movie deal. Or possibly a pregnancy.
- O'Brien: Time now for celebrity birthdays. Diff'rent Stroke star Conrad Bane is 82, adult film star Ron Jeremy is 69 and comedy trailblazer Fatty Arbuckle is 118. At least he would be if he wasn't [bleep] worm food. In your face, Fatty Arbuckle, you fat, filthy [long series of bleeps]] fat [two bleeps]! Finally tonight, the fans have been waiting for weeks to learn the winner of our "Win Russell Crowe's Trash" contest. The grand prize goes to Mrs. Carmelia Cailo of Nyack, New York.
- (cut to a house where a dump truck lays out trash in front of Cailo's house)
- Cailo: Whee, it's here, it's here! (dives into trash) This is Russel Crowe's underwear! (sniffs underwear and puts it on her head) OH HALLELUJAH!
- (cut to static)