Woody: OK, you guys, Andy's almost home from college for Spring break.
(Toys all cheer)
Slinky Dog: Why would they celebrate a spring breakin'? That's the saddest time for me.
(The other toys laugh)
Woody: Oh, Slink.
Buzz Lightyear: Silly canine.
Mr. Potato Head: What a freakin' jerk.
Rex: Andy's here!
(All the toys line up for Andy's arrival)
Sarge: All right ladies, single file, front and center! Commander-in-chief on the premises!
Soldier: You mean Obama?
Sarge: He's not my president.
(The door flies open as Andy comes in, carrying and kissing his girlfriend. Slinky gets tangled around Andy's leg and gets kicked aside sending him flying)
Slinky Dog: TELL MY STORY!
Woody: Etch, what's going on up there?
(Etch draws a diagram of what appears to be doggy-style intercourse, grossing out all of the toys. Rex vomits into Mr. Potato Head's body, making his eyes pop out in streams of vomit.)
Sarge: OH NO OH GOD!!!!
Buzz Lightyear: You gotta Double help that girl, Sarge!
Sarge: Oh god, she won't stop screaming! What does f**k my f**king box dry even mean?!
Andy Davis: This is awesome! (continues kissing)
(As the sounds stop, Rex nervously looks up at the bed and gets a used condom on his face. He tries to get it off, but accidentally knocks himself out when he runs into a table)
(Andy opens a drawer on his bedside table and searches for something)
Andy Davis: Damn it! I left my favorite toy back at the dorm.
Woody: (experiences the most painful realization of his plastic life) HIS FAVOURITE TOY!?!?!?
Andy: Time to improvise.
(Andy picks up Buzz from beside the bed. Sawing and other noises are heard as Woody looks up in confusion and dismay)
Woody: What's he doing with Buzz?
Andy: Yes! And ready for a test drive.
(Bubbling sounds, inhaling)
Mr. Potato Head: He didn't. Not Buzz!
Andy: (exhaling) To infinity... and beyond!
(Andy puts down Buzz, now revealed to have been lobotomized into a makeshift bong. His helmet is smashed, and half of his head is gone. Smoke is coming out from his head and from a pipe wedged into his crotch)
Andy: Domino, motherf**ker! (laughs)
Woody: (nervous) Buzz?
Andy: Buzzed by Buzz!
Woody: You OK?
Buzz Lightyear: (goofy voice) Hello, Woody! (gasps) Do you know what my daddy did? Poop. He pooped! Boop-de-doop doop boop. Ah, someone left some poop in his pants.
(Buzz dances stupidly and falls backwards, but Woody catches him)
Woody: It's okay, pal - we're here for ya.
(Cut to sunset, with Woody lying Buzz in a bed)
Buzz Lightyear: And the farmer, he hauls... another load away! Bye, load! Bye, load!
Woody: (holding back tears) Goodnight, sweet prince.
Buzz Lightyear: We gonna play tomorrow?
Woody: You bet, pal. You bet.
Buzz Lightyear: (weakly last words) To infinity...
(Woody picks up a pillow and forces it over Buzz's head. Woody starts suffocating Buzz with a pillow and exhausting it straight trough his damaged head and into the receptors of his buttons Buzz tries to scream again but he was out of breath from screaming from the earlier suffocating. After Buzz stops struggling and falls limp, Woody removes the pillow and looks at Buzz's corpse)
Woody: ...and beyond. (Starts to cry.)
(Cuts to static.)